My Story, A Story of Compassion.

Laughing with Gandhi.

by Dr Lisa Turner

2nd Installment of my book

Releasing the resistance to pain will release the discomfort.  Resistance equals judgement.  

Indulge me for a moment whilst I briefly mention pain and compassion. We need pain. Pain or the discomfort that lies between where we are and what we would choose causes us to move towards what we would choose. It is that pain, or tension that pulls us forward. When we feel pain, what we feel is the tension between our current experience and what we would like to experience.

As an engineer I regularly find myself saying “there must be a better way of doing that”. It is that desire to seek something better that creates new discoveries and inventions. Thomas Newcomen wanted to pump water out of a tin mine a little more easily, so he crafted the Beam Engine in 1712

Then along came Mrs. Watt’s boy Jimmy (James Watt). He was always messing about making things and took a look at Newcomen’s engine and added a few bits to it that massively increased its efficiency. (go to Crofton, Wiltshire, UK, to see a wonderful working example of one dating from 1812).

So clever were he and his mate Matt (Mathew Boulton) that together the made rotational motion possible, thus leading to the development steam engine  used in trains. That lead, via a few dead ends, u-turns and re-engineering to the internal combustion engine, the automobile. Just listen to that a word Auto (without effort) mobile (to move).

Just because Tommy Newcomen played with water as a kid near the tin mines of Cornwall.

His work was intended to stop people, miners, from getting wet. The pain of getting wet – or drowning or being prevented from getting to the best strains of tin led to all kinds of discoveries. Yes my friends, pain is important. Pain is the tension between where you are and where you want to be.

Every time you want something, every time you desire something better or different, every time you say to yourself “Not this!” you might feel that pain. It is the discomfort of recognising that where you are, and what you are experiencing is not what you want.

When you are in a relationship that hurts, the pain you feel is the tension between what you have and what you would rather have. Don’t fight the pain; use it to direct yourself to what you want. It tells you that you have settled to low. It is there to push you take action to change something. The mistake many people make is that they use the pain as an excuse for staying where they are. They wear their problems like a medal, as a reason for NOT changing.

Which brings us to compassion. Compassion is the concern we have for another in pain. When another is in pain sometimes we feel it too, especially if it is someone we care about. Compassion for strangers happens when we resonate with their situation. They are like us, we are like them, now or in the past. Their pain is or was our pain. We know what that feels like.

But what we must never do is to deny them the opportunity to move out of it. Help them, or assist them by all means, but when they have asked and take action.

One of the single most important moments of my life was when I left, Neil, my partner of 7 years. I was 2 weeks away from my 20^th birthday. As you will read shortly, the relationship was not a healthy one. I had been trapped and isolated in it for years longer than I wanted to be. I felt the pain of where I was, but was powerless (or so I thought) to change it.

I did eventually gather the strength, from really GOD knows where, to leave and move out. I found a grotty bedsit and paid my deposit. I did not drive; my only transportation was my bicycle.  My dilemma become “how shall I get my stuff to my new place?”

To this day one of the single most important acts of unselfish kindness was exhibited by my friend Orla Murphy. She offered to borrow her sister’s car and move my stuff. She drove across London from Kensington to Haringey and ferried my boxes and clothes in her tiny Punto through the awful North London Traffic. Three trips was the sum total of my life. On the last trip I rode my bike behind her through the jam.

Eventually settling me in my new digs we had tea in a local cafe. “Are you going to be Ok?” Orla asked.

Thinking back I think she was more aware of my emotions than I was. I was on autopilot. Just get out, get my stuff out, don’t tell him where I’ve gone to and worry about the emotional stuff later.

I waved Orla off and stepped into my new home. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no telly to distract me, and although an avid reader I couldn’t settle to a book. I wandered about not knowing where to put myself. None of the chairs or bed felt right. It was all so alien. I sat as if in a trance and didn’t move for about 3 hours. I kept thinking, I’ll get up and do something in a minute, but with nothing TO do I didn’t or couldn’t. It was as if the signals from my brain to my body were not connected. I felt paralysed. Eventually I managed to get myself ready for bed and woke up to begin my journey of recovery.

What has this to do with compassion? We can feel compassion to another, but can only help them when they are ready to help themselves.

Before I made the decision to leave my mum would occasionally say a few derogatory things about Neil. I never became defensive, but I did become a master of pretence. Too ashamed to admit I wasn’t happy, I pretended that Neil and I had the best, most supportive and loving relationship you could imagine. I made up elaborate tales to demonstrate his generosity, kindness and love. Though in truth, I was little more than an imprisoned slave.

Until I was ready to leave, until I had made conscious decision to leave and take the action necessary I couldn’t accept any help. I rejected it preferring to craft a deceptive denial for my own benefit as much as others.

One of the most important things I learn about my experiences has been that without a doubt I would not be here doing what I’m doing and being as awake and evolved as I now am. I say this, not to be arrogant, but to express pride in my own journey to waking up.

People who have led simple, uncomplicated, “happy” lives don’t seem to be as awake as those who have had a few knocks and scrapes. Those knocks and scrapes create compassion. Those who have been in pain know what it is like and our hearts bleed for them.

Some people are cannot feel compassion. They prefer to judge. “Silly girl” “You made your bed so you can lie in it”. My theory about those who can’t feel compassion is this, and it’s pretty simple. At some point in their past they needed compassion. They had made a “mistake” and whilst experiencing the consequences of their choices no compassion was shown. They didn’t have it shown to them when they were in need. They cannot be compassionate even to themselves. Perhaps they can’t forgive themselves for making bad choices and for not making new ones when it came to light that their situation was not as they would choose. Perhaps they were in that state of pain or tension, but felt powerless to move themselves. Who knows?

When we see people who appear to be experiencing a “problem” or who has made a choice that we would not, who are we to judge? When we recognise pain in them that they cannot own fully themselves, they could be experiencing the single most important part of their evolution. It is from this place that I share my story. To this day I still feel my experiences were hugely important for me and thank my mother and father for the support they always offered to me without making my choices for me by exercising what many would call ‘parental control’.

They allowed me to get wet, then handed me a towel.

I got wet!

My mother had a difficult childhood, she suffered with depression much of her life. The feeling I had before I could even talk, was that of suffocating sadness, a quietness that was so empty it felt as though being connected to anything else was impossible.

When I was 18 months old and barely walking our family had a day at the seaside in the North of England. Whilst no one was looking I suddenly stopped playing in the sand and quietly I stood up and walked into the sea. This memory is vague but very present for me. As if in trance my little limbs moved me towards the beckoning depths which called me into the embrace of her smothering, waves. The icy surf tumbled me over and over before I was fetched out. My parents hurriedly wrapped my in any dry clothing they had to hand. By way of observation is said “I got wet”

I repeated this experience almost identically and “got wet” again when I was 2 years old. Once again the sea called and drew me into her embrace. Once again I was called back to rejoin the living on land, my journey on earth not yet complete.

I don’t believe this was a conscious attempt at suicide. Therapists have suggested it was an unconscious one. Spiritual teachers have suggested it was an attempt to return to my spiritual source, to reject this incarnation, as if I knew what a tough life I had chosen and was attempting to re-negotiate my choices.

As I grew older I recall feeling very disconnected from life, a lack of joy produced a curiosity to know what it would be like to no longer exist in the physical form. The conventional view would be to label my suffering childhood depression. I resonate more closely with the spiritual idea that I was unconsciously realising what a hard life I had selected. Like enrolling in an advanced class in mathematics and wanting to drop out because the course work looked a bit tricky.

I’m glad I took this Karma class and chose to evolve. I have infinite compassion for those who have also taken tough options, the advanced course, regardless of whether or not they are doing their homework (taking action). I am compassionate. It took me a long time to wake up, and recognise the struggle that it can be to wake up from the safety of slumber and dreams. 

Exercise 1: Where did you get wet? How did you decide that?

Write your life story. The best time to do this is first thing in the morning, even before you are fully awake.

When you have done this, make a list of the significant life events, such as when you moved house, changed job, started a new relationship, ended a relationship, recovered from an illness, or any other significant decision or change.

Even if you were not aware of making the choice consciously, pretend that you made the decision consciously and answer these questions.

What was your intention for making that choice? What did you hope to gain from that? Remember, imagine that it was a conscious choice even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.

What did you NOT choose? What was the action or choice NOT taken? What was the path NOT taken?

For each choice what were you feeling at the time you made those choices? What were your reasons for making that choice? What were your decision criteria for making that choice?

Notice the pattern to your life decision making. You will notice that there has been an underlying theme to what drove you to make those choices and changes in your past. If you do not learn to become conscious of this theme you will continue to make decisions unconsciously.  If you are happy with your life, your choices and your decisions this is fine. But if you are not then you will need to become conscious of them in order for you to change them.

For now be happy that you are conscious of how and why you have made your choices.

Until next time

Lisa

p.s if you liked this let me know.