How To Overcome Childcare Guilt
Published December 8th, 2010 | 
There’s no doubt that raising children is a challenge. When you are working or running a business on top of it the challenges are even greater. Being a parent is a role that everyone on the planet seems to feel entitled to have a say in how you’re doing in a way that simply doe
Most women entrepreneurs experience childcare guilt at some point in the growth of their business. It can be challenging finding yourself torn between these two important roles in your life.
It’s ironic really because often one of the reasons women work is so they can give their children a better life. And those who choose self employment do so to create flexibility to be there for their children whilst growing their financial independence.
There is enormous pressure to be the perfect parent with no other desire than to be there for their children, and this can take its toll on female entrepreneurs.
Let’s face it. Your business is one of your children. And if it’s not, you’re probably just playing at this business game. It takes that level of passion and commitment to your business to grow it.
But that leaves many women torn. When they’re working on their business they feel guilty, and (paradoxically) when they’re with their children they feel guilty that they’re not dedicated to their business.
So what’s the solution?
Here are some simple things to help overcome childcare guilt
1. Don’t feel guilty, make decisions.
The purpose of guilt is for you to make changes in the future. Let’s say you feel you’ve spent too much time working and not enough with your children, and that makes you feel guilty. Either use that guilt as a sign that you need to change your behaviour or use it to decide to change what you believe about childcare. If you decide to change your beliefs, you can choose to believe that what you are doing is fine and let go of the guilt. Either way you will stop feeling guilty.
2. Recognise that you are always doing your best
Although you best may be different on different days and at different times, you are always doing what you believe to be best at the time. So some days you will spend more time with your children than others. Some days you’ll be an attentive parent, other days when lot’s is going on at work you’ll be distracted. So what! You’re still doing your best.
3. Don’t be influenced by other people’s ideas about childcare
Never before has there been more societal pressure on parents to be perfect or more conflicting views on what is the best way to raise children. Children now rule family life in a way that they never have before. In past generations outsourcing childcare to grandparents (for the less affluent) and nanny’s or boarding schools for the more affluent was considered entirely normal.
Nowadays if women show any sign of not wanting to be surgically attached to their children until they are 25 seems to be taken as evidence that that they are not “proper mothers”.
The truth is that there is no right or wrong way to bring up your children. Some mothers like spending more time with their children than others and that doesn’t make them bad mothers, it makes them different mothers.
4. Children will always want more attention.
Even if you were with them 24 hours a day, they would probably still want your attention when you were asleep if you let them. Growing up is about learning to be independent and that start by you allowing them to play without your intervention.
5. The purpose of childhood is to learn to be adults
With so much emphasis on having a “happy childhood” it’s easy to forget that the real purpose of childhood is to learn to be adults. So by showing your children how you behave responsibly and that you expect them to do so too you are teaching them a valuable lesson. By saying “no not now” you teach them boundaries. By having others look after them you teach them “you’re OK even when I’m not here”. By asking them to behave responsibly and independently when you need to work you’re teaching them how to entertain themselves and behave responsibly. That’s much more important for their happiness right into adulthood.
6. Teach your children the importance of care of themselves
You teach your children how to take care of themselves by showing them how you take care of yourself.
Take time out for yourself and say NO to all and any interruptions. This shows, by example, that we all need to take responsibility for our own health, and happiness. Working yourself to the bone, only to then work yourself even harder when you’re with your kids only teaches them to become a martyr. Instead take time out for a lie down, watch a movie, take a bath, meditate and let your children know that you are NOT to be interrupted unless they are on FIRE! It will only take a few times so just keep enforcing your boundaries, and don’t reward interruptions with attention.
7. Be a role model not a martyr
Studies show that children of women who don’t work can grow up with very limited expectations of women. Boys can grow up to believe that women don’t or can’t work and that women are not as important as men.
Girls grow up with low aspirations. By showing your sons and daughters how to be happy and successful and dedicated to achieving your dreams and ambitions, they are more likely to have higher aspirations and enjoy working towards achieving their dreams. They will be less likely to grow up with an entitlement mentality too. Stop feeling guilty that you’re not with them all the time, and change your attitude of one of teaching by example that this is how people achieve their dreams.
If you put your dreams on hold till they have grown and left you will miss this opportunity to teach them how to be successful. Rather than apologising for working and not being with them, celebrate your successes with them even talk to them about how much you enjoy working for and achieving your goals. You will inspire them.
8. Consider learning how to release guilt from the past.
Feeling the emotion of guilt in the present has the positive purpose of guiding you to change behaviour, but if you continue to feel guilt in the present that results from actions taken in the PAST then this is useless and damaging. Consider a therapeutic intervention to release it.
For free instant access to our emotional resilience online course from Emotional Resilience Online.
By Dr. Lisa Turner
Emotional Eating
Published November 14th, 2010 | Weight issues almost always have an emotional element. We all know the secret 
formula for losing weight. It is to eat less and exercise more. Every single diet and sliming regime is nothing more than a variation of this theme.
So if we all know what we should do, why is it so hard to eat less and exercise more?
Certain foods release chemicals that cause us to feel relaxed and happy. If we are stressed we will crave those foods for the chemical response they trigger.
So here are some things to do to help you cope with stress that can keep you from scoffing the chocs.
1. Stay conscious
It is impossible to keep doing something that is bad for us and do it consciously. Most emotional or comfort eating is a knee jerk reaction. We do it without being conscious of it. We know we are doing it but are not fully conscious of actually doing it. Next time you find yourself eating when you are stressed just pause and do it with full consciousness. You may still eat the food, but when you do it with full consciousness, you will soon find that you no longer want to comfort eat or that you stop eating sooner.
2. Notice and acknowledge the emotion or stress
Emotional eating is a way we suppress our emotions. We try to distract ourselves from them by eating. Unfortunately it doesn’t work very well, not only does the stress come back, but it is usually compounded by additional feelings of guilt for eating food we don’t need. Instead, pay full attention to the emotions you are feeling.
Ask yourself and write down.
- What am I feeling now?
- Where do I feel this in my body?
- Does it have a shape or colour?
- Does it have a voice? What would it say?
- What does it want for me (that is positive).
3. Take deep breaths
When we are stressed we breathe shallow and high in the chest. This both creates and is caused by stress. If you breathe high and shallow you will become stressed. If you breathe low, slow and deep you will relax. Try it now. Take a deep slow breath. Keep breathing, very deep and very slow. Don’t puff all the air out in one go, instead, allow it to come out slowly. Now, notice that you feel more relaxed.
4. Spend a minute (or longer) in silence every day
We are bombarded by sensory overload, noise, other people, the radio, iPod, TV constantly. Most people very rarely allow themselves time for their thoughts. Even if you are not overworked or in a high pressure job constant stimulation of the nervous system is tiring. Sit in silence (no reading) for at least 5 minutes, and ideally 20 minutes each day. If you close your eyes, even better. Do this sitting up rather than lying down or you will likely fall asleep. When you do this you will be practicing a simple form of meditation, the emotional and physical health benefits of meditation have been well researched and proven.
5. Peripheral vision vs. tunnel vision
There are actually two ways we can use our eyes. One is known as foveal vision, which is a form of tunnel vision. We see only what is right in the centre of your visual field. When you are in foveal vision you are stressed. This triggers the sympathetic stress response in your nervous system equivalent to the fight or flight reaction.
Conversely, peripheral vision triggers a parasympathetic nervous response of relaxation. When you are in peripheral vision you are aware of the complete panorama of your full visual field. You can practice this by finding a spot on the wall, fix your gaze on that spot and keep it there. Expand your awareness to the edges of your visual field. You will notice movement more easily so if it helps bring your hands up to the side of your head and wiggle your fingers whilst keeping your gaze fixed on the spot or point straight ahead. This relaxation response is actually hard-wired into the brain making it impossible to feel a negative emotion (like stress) when you are in peripheral vision. It does not solve the problem that is causing the stress but will help you relax when you need to.
6. Suspend judgement
Nothing is good or bad in and of itself. It’s WE who decide that everything is either good or bad. When things are not going the way we want, because we have decided or judged this to be ‘bad’ it causes us to feel bad about the situation. When things are going very ‘badly’ we can feel very stressed indeed. We can take the pressure off ourselves by deciding to suspend judgment and stop resisting the way things are.
Next time things are not going the way you would like them to just pause and say to yourself “How Interesting! This is not what I would prefer. What I would prefer here is this…..”
7. Pay attention to what you want
It is only possible to feel anxious or stressed when you are paying attention to things NOT being the way you want. Worry is only possible if you are thinking about things turning out not the way you want. So next time you find yourself feeling stressed, worried or anxious, change your thoughts away from what you DON’T want and towards what you DO want instead.
8. Identify the source of the stress
Sometime we feel inexplicable stress, worry or anxiety. We feel bad but don’t know why, this is a common cause of comfort eating. The emotions are a sign from your unconscious mind that you need to pay attention to something. Some people might say it is a sign from your intuition that you need to take some action or make a change or just take notice of something.
Next time you feel anxious or stressed, take a moment to go inside and ask your unconscious mind what you need to pay attention to. What action do you need to take? What do I need to know the knowing of which will have this problem disappear. Then trust whatever comes up.
9. Identify what is REALLY important
Often we become stressed because we have a ‘to do’ list 3 pages long. Go through all your tasks and commitments and put them into two lists. Important and Urgent. Then go through the Urgent list and cross off any that are not important, and go through the Important list and highlight any that are also Urgent.
Then rip up and throw away the Urgent list, and only do those tasks on the Important list that are also Urgent. Notice how much better you feel.
10. Turn off the inner chatter
Most stress is caused not by what is happening NOW, but by what we are thinking or saying to ourselves. Have you ever run over and over a conversation in your mind after the event? This is stressful and is not generally helpful. If you can turn off your inner chatterbox you will find yourself being significantly more relaxed and less stressed. Here is a quick fix to quieten the prattle.
- relax your jaw. If your jaw is tense it is probably because you are talking to yourself.
- place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, the high part about 2 cm behind your teeth.
With your tongue still and your jaw relaxed the chatter stops.
11. Laugh. Do something every day that makes you laugh
Watch a funny movie, or TV show or get together with a bunch of mates who make you laugh. Laughter triggers a variety of chemical changes in the brain and body that neutralise stress.
12. Work out to Work out your problem
Exercise reduces the chemicals and hormones associated with stress, and increases those that generate feelings of wellbeing. Exercise lifts our mood and literally ‘works out’ all our problems. That’s why it’s called a work out. Next time you have a problem, go for a work out and notice that your problems just don’t seem so bad anymore, and many times the solution will miraculously appear when you exercise.
Life it meant to be fun, and interesting and exciting. Don’t let negative emotions or stress lead to comfort eating or to stop you from being, doing and having the life you want to live. Dr. Lisa Turner is a personal transformation coach and trainer who helps people to become the best version of themselves.
Getting It All Done Without Being Done In
Published July 22nd, 2010 | When we think of getting everything done we usually think of TIME management. But it takes more than just enough time to get through your to-do list. It also takes ENERGY.
Have you ever had something that you know you need to do, you have the time, but you do something else instead? That’s because the task required more energy than you had available. All the time in the world won’t complete a task if you don’t have the energy to think clearly, can’t take action, aren’t motivated or are feeling overwhelmed or anxious. Here are some simple and effective tips to getting it all done during this busy time of year.
1. Physical Health and Energy
Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating healthily, and drinking plenty of water. Survival trainers teach that even minor dehydration impairs judgment significantly. Lack of sleep leads to poor concentration and mistakes, so putting in those few extra hours at the pc late at night might seem like a way to get ahead but if it leaves you wasted for the following day, you’ll just get behind again. Go to bed, get some quality sleep, and start fresh in the morning. You’ll get more done and you’ll do a better job too.
Also watch out for foods that cause you to go into “energy overdraft”. That coffee or sugary snack may give you a quick boost, but will leave you flagging again later when your body decides it’s time to repay the debt.
2. Breathe Deeply
Not only to do we get energy from deeper breathing, but deep abdominal breathing reduces anxiety, leaves you feeling calm, and balanced whilst also giving you a boost so you feel refreshed and alert.
3. Increase Your Emotional Resilience
Emotional Resilience
We all have setbacks, big and small almost daily, and the quicker and easier you can bounce back the more you can achieve. If you get one rejection on a sales call, or have a minor disagreement with a colleague and you then need to spend the rest of the day licking your wounds to recover, that’s a sign you lack emotional resilience.
Low emotional resilience also leads to procrastination as you put off doing those things (like sales calls) where you are anxious or worried about getting rejected or making a mistake.
Feeling emotionally stressed causes mistakes, you become inefficient. If you have issues, anxiety or blocks of any kind then get them sorted. Otherwise they will only drain your energy reduce your efficiency.
4. Have Faith
Highly successful people always have a strong sense of faith, not necessarily religious, but it does have a spiritual quality to it. Some refer to it as being guided, or having “a thousand hidden helpers”.
Cultivating a sense of your role in a divine plan not only gives you a feeling of tremendous confidence and security, but it’s also considered to be the source of all inspiration. Many scientists have attributed their great discoveries to “divine inspiration”. Next time you are stuck or have a problem ask for help from any kind or spiritual source that feels right for you and sits comfortably with your personal beliefs. When you do this you’ll be amazed how quickly you find a truly inspired solution. Even simply sleeping on the problem can lead you to wake up with the solution right there in front of you.
5. Group Types of Work Together
Many people who run their own business get overwhelmed because they are trying to do everything all at once. Instead, group work tasks together by type. And the best categories are not based on project or topic but on the kind of thinking they require.
Broadly speaking tasks use one or the other of your brain hemispheres. The left is best suited for logical analytical tasks, whereas the right prefers creative and holistic ones.
Mixing up the kind of thinking will lead to frustration and confusion. So instead group tasks together into the hemisphere or thinking type, not project or topic. Then work in time blocks using only one hemisphere.
Right Brain Tasks
- Writing articles or marketing materials
- Creative problem solving
- Writing blogs or forum posts
- Online networking
- Inspiration or anything creative
Left brain tasks
- Financial planning
- Admin, form filling in
- Bookkeeping, taxes
- Organisation or logistics
- Uploading web copy or blogs
Notice that writing blogs uses the opposite hemisphere to posting them. So set aside time to write several blogs, and then post them at a separate time, when you are doing left brain tasks.
6. Time Blocking
Work in blocks on time on ONE thing and one thing only. The best time period is 90 minutes as this is corresponds to one of the natural rhythms of concentration linked to cycles of brain waves (we move in and out of alpha and beta waves every 90 minutes).
Set an oven timer for 45 minutes and get stuck into one piece of work, after 45 minutes take a 5 minute ONLY loo break, stretch your legs, get a drink, then set the timer again for another 45 minutes. When the timer goes off, STOP working, even if you haven’t finished the task you’re working on. After 90 minutes your productivity will be starting to drop off, even if you haven’t noticed it yet.
Take a 30 minute break. Yes you read that right, a whole 30 minutes, go and do some yoga, read a book, meditate or go for a walk.
Then come back and work for another 90 minutes. During your 90 minutes make sure you redirect your phone, turn off twitter and your e-mail. You will be amazed that you can achieve more, by working less because you’re working with your body and not against it.
7. Schedule tasks
Put time blocks into your diary for completing particular tasks. For example if you have a large project that you know will take 2 weeks to complete, you know that you will NEVER get 2 weeks free. Instead block out “appointments” in your diary where you work on that task. This does require some self discipline as other things can seem more urgent, but it will pay off, and as you get more organised using the tips above you will find that those unexpected last minute panics happen less frequently.
“How to release painful emotions” which therapies work and which don’t
Published May 30th, 2010 | Seven years of sexual, psychological, emotional, and social abuse from the age of 13 – 20 at the hands of a man 14 years older than me had left me completely emotionally crippled.
I spent most days either in emotional turmoil or completely numbed out. Even the most ordinary situations, like buying clothes or meeting someone new caused me extreme anxiety, I had trouble speaking, couldn’t voice my opinion let alone stand up for myself. Any minor criticism would shatter my already fragile psyche, and I would take days or even weeks to recover. I lived almost as a recluse with few friends and rarely venturing out of my little London bedsit.
It came to a head one day when on a day out with some friends to the Isle of Wight, I stood on the cliff top at The Needles looking down. For years every waking moment I’d felt my whole being utterly wracked with pain and as I peered over the edge I realised that down there, at the foot of that drop, the pain would stop.
If I was to take only one step forward it would all go away.
A spent a few moments contemplating this and imagining the bliss and relief from the torture my life had become.
In that moment I made a decision. I stepped back and made a resolve that I would recover.
I would get over this.
I would live my life and find a way to be OK, even if in that moment I had no idea how to do this or where to find help. I stepped back from the edge.
My quest took many years, many wrong turns and blind alleys. But I have recovered. I am happy, with a family, great friends and, I run a business helping others to release their pain and trauma and teaching others to do what I do.
The biggest myth about emotional trauma
One of the biggest myths portrayed by the media, films and stories is that once you’ve had a traumatic experience that you will be emotionally scarred for life and that the best you can hope for is to learn to live with it, understand it.
However, recent years have brought about a plethora of techniques to release emotions. This list has been put together based on my personal experience of these therapies in my own quest to recover from childhood sexual abuse.
I am a walking testament to the fact that emotions CAN be released. Limiting beliefs like “I’m no good / I deserve to be punished” can be released forever. Here is a list of some of the techniques I’ve tried and how effective they are.
Which therapies work and which don’t
1. Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy has its roots in Freudian analysis and is essentially a “talking cure” centring on the client talking through their issues with a therapist. It involves the client lying on a couch with the therapist sitting at the clients head, the client and therapist to not look at each other.
The idea is that talking about your problems and past will give you a better understanding of yourself and raise self awareness.
But I found it ludicrous. To say I didn’t feel comfortable lying down in the same room as a man I could not see was an understatement. I was terrified of most, no, ALL men. Not in a running away screaming way, but in a just not able to relax in the presence of a man. I frequently couldn’t speak to men directly. So being asked to lie down, powerless and vulnerable, on my back in the same room as a man whom I could not see caused me extreme anxiety.
I tried another psychotherapist whose way of working was to sit in comfy chairs facing each other which was marginally better, but the results were poor.
I was told it would likely take a long time, years even to get any benefit. I stuck at it for a few months but found it pretty ineffective. I knew what my problem was and continually talking about it seemed to make it no better and only caused me to repeatedly go back and relive those horrendous experiences of the past.
The rapes, the lock-ins, the rejections, the humiliations ran round and round in my head all the time so I didn’t need to talk about them as well. I realised it was actually making it worse for me.
I don’t believe that simply getting an understanding of your problem actually fixes it. Most people are all too aware of why they have low self esteem (or whatever their problem is) but that doesn’t actually cure the problem.
Understanding your problem doesn’t solve it. That’s like taking your broken car to the garage to be told exactly what’s wrong with it and told to learn to cope driving a car that’s broken.
2. Affirmations
Saying positive affirmations might change your state or mood in the short term, but it doesn’t remove limiting beliefs. Also in order for affirmations to change your state you have to remember to say them.
Since we don’t have to remember to feel bad, it happens automatically, having to remember to say your affirmation’s makes this technique pretty limited. Sometimes I found short term relief but often saying something that I felt completely untrue inside and contradicted my feelings jarred and often only reminded me of how bad I felt.
3. Psychodrama
This is where you act out painful situations from your past and change them so you can experience something different, like fighting back, feeling more powerful.
This technique gave me some benefit and helped to change the way I felt about certain past events, but was quite time consuming. It only really worked on one issue or past event at a time. As it’s done in groups it can take a while to feel safe enough in a group to share your past and your pain.
4. EFT
This technique is based on tapping meridians to release the emotion. The tapping points are usually on the face, torso and hands.
This was my first experience of a real emotional release technique and it really does remove the emotion. However, it is limited in that it only removes the emotion from ONE memory at a time. If, like me, you’ve had 7 years of pretty horrendous emotional torment it can take a lot of tapping to show a significant difference.
5. EmoTrance
By paying attention to where you feel the emotion in your body, allowing it to soften and flow using attention, the feeling leaves your body and with it the emotion.
As with EFT this only works on one memory at a time so this process can also require lots of sessions before you notice a significant difference. Because there is no or little conscious understanding of the problem sometimes the feelings and emotions seemed to get stuck. This had limited success with me.
6. Shamanic healing
Based on various tribal cultures this uses altered states of consciousness, dream work, energy work and symbolism to change your experience of the physical reality.
Shamanic extraction is a powerful shamanic technique that removes “energy” left in your energy body by past trauma.
Soul retrieval is another that brings back parts of you that have been lost or left in the past. During times of trauma bits of your soul leave for safety reasons.
Following both of these processes I experienced a massive shift. It gave me the confidence to ask for a raise from my boss without fear, and I was able to have a “normal” relationship with a man for the first time, I am now married to this same wonderful man.
Shamanic healing does require you to be rather open minded as there is little theory as to why it works, but for me it just did! And the results were instant.
7. NLP Neuro-Linguistic Programming and hypnosis
NLP is a collection of techniques that are based on modelling successful therapists and therapies.
I found this amazingly successful at enabling me to access more resources and cope with situations that had previously caused me great anxiety. It’s quick and effective.
8. Timeline Therapy(TM)
This is an NLP technique but as not every NLP practitioner knows it I’ve listed it separately.
Time Line Therapy(TM) is not to be confused with Time Line or walking the timeline.
TLT is phenomenally powerful and as someone who had been haunted by my past daily, was barely able to function normally, and found even the most ordinary situations traumatic and terrifying TLT was a miracle.
In one 4 hour session I had released all the pain and trauma of my past. It didn’t involve me going right into the memory, so it was gentle and completely safe. At no time did I have to “face my fears”
I simply let the emotion go and it was indeed GONE. I couldn’t believe it.
The result was like flicking a switch. I was able to be around men and feel ok about it. The flashbacks stopped. Instantly, and they never came back.
The great benefit of TLT is that it releases all of the emotion from ALL of your past in one session. So that’s ALL your anger, ALL your sadness, ALL your guilt, ALL your fear, and so on. It also completely removed and deleted limiting decisions so they are just NOT true for me any longer.
9. Higher Self Therapy
This technique is even more effective than Time Line Therapy as it is even quicker and removes emotions at an even deeper level.
Whereas TLT removes the emotions from the emotional and mental body, Higher Self Therapy also releases it from a soul or karmic level.
These last two are the ones I now teach to my students and are the ones I recommend most highly.
My self esteem issues vanished overnight. I now know I am a good person. I didn’t deserve what happened, and I have been able to forgive my abuser. I still wouldn’t have him round for tea, but I no longer harbour the hatred for him that had previously been festering inside.
As a direct result of making a single decision on the cliff top I went on a journey of recovery and healing. I am now healed and whole. I’m not perfect (I’m still untidy) but I am not only “OK” I’m bloomin’ fantastic. My life is filled with joy, and happiness and love. I am loved, feel loved and love easily. I live my life as I choose.
In fact I believe I am more free and filled with joy now than most people who have NEVER had the kind of past I have. I am braver. I am able to speak my truth. I don’t take offence easily. I am confident. I really like who I am. And if others don’t like me or take offence at me, I forgive them.
If you have had trauma in the past, even if you are not healed yet, please take this one thing from reading this.
YOU CAN RECOVER!
All you have to do is decide.
If you have decided, get free instant access to how to recover from abuse, go to www.recoverfromabuse.com or take our free online course – Emotional resilience http://www.psycademy.co.uk/emotional-resillience/
By Dr. Lisa Turner
Lisa is a Trainer of NLP, Time Line therapy, Hypnosis, NLP Coaching, Shamanic healing and other healing processes. If you have been affected by any of the topics mentioned here contact me via lisaturner@psycademy.co.uk. All information will be treated in the strictest confidence.
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