Have we got the wrong idea about soul mates and twin flames?

by | Feb 10, 2015 | Relationships, Your Life's Purpose | 2 comments

Do you yearn for your twin flame, your soul mate, to find that person who will make you or your life complete?

If you’re spiritual, it’s only natural that you would want a relationship that honours that part of you.

Most people think of a soul mate as the person they are “supposed” to find and spend the rest of their life with.

Twin Flames are believed to be formed when a single soul was split into its male and female parts. These two people then incarnated and our purpose in life is to find our twin flame or soul mate so that we can become complete.

New spiritual philosophies show that this isn’t really the case and how this is a deeply flawed theory that undermines the true importance of a soul mate.

What is a soul mate really then?

A soul mate is another soul whom you have a karmic entanglement with. that means that you and they have danced a dance before and it’s unfinished. You had some kinds of interaction which you chose together for the purpose of enabling each of you to evolve.

Soul mate myths

1.    Your soul mate will complete you.
To believe that you need someone ELSE to complete you or to make you feel ok is based on the premise that you are somehow incomplete, lacking or not ok on your own.

This simply isn’t and can’t ever be true.

Relationships that are based on this are doomed to failure because they will ultimately become co-dependent.

2.    When you meet your soul mate, you’ll fall deeply in love and live happily ever after.
Actually the opposite might be true. Your soul mate is someone with whom you have entered into a karmic contract with so that you can both learn and evolve. Evolution happens when we overcome and rise above challenges. So a relationship with your soul mate might be anything but smooth sailing.

Not that this means it’s a problem or is something to shy away from. Rather it’s a relationship to dive into with abandon AND all the time stay fully conscious of the evolution and growth that it stimulates in both of you.

Those instant, deep attractions we can have are often due to meeting a soul mate. When this happens it’s important to note that you have met someone with an important message of learning and growth for you.

3.    Your soul mate must also be your partner.
Just because you have entered into a karmic contract with your soul mate it doesn’t necessarily follow that they must be your partner.

They might be a friend, colleague or even a teacher. There will, however, be a strong emotional pull (or push) which people often confuse to mean that they must jump into a relationship with them.

4.    You will have a sexual relationship with your soul mate.
This doesn’t necessarily follow. Sexual relationships certainly have that extra charge of energy that can accelerate growth but not all soul mates will be sexual partners.

They don’t even need to be the gender that you prefer. I.e. if you’re heterosexual they might be the same gender as you. I know several people who got themselves terribly confused sexually and emotionally because they met someone with a strong karmic attachment but didn’t fancy them. You don’t have to fancy your soul mate and you don’t need to have sex with them just because they are a soul mate.

5.    Your soul mate will be your partner or friend forever.
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season or for life. This is even more true of a soul mate. They may come to help you at a particular point in your life, or to teach you or to befriend you for a short time.

Evolved souls know when it’s time to part. They allow it to happen easily and pain free. They feel only joy for being blessed with the time they had together. Sadly those who are less evolved try to hang onto the relationship or the other person as if there is a “rule” that because it was good that it should last forever. When they try to hold on to the other person or they both try to stay together it only causes pain. When it’s time to part. Part.

Some people will stay with you for life. And this too will happen easily and effortlessly, although you may drift apart and back together again several times. Evolved souls know this and trust this and allow it. Welcoming them back when it’s time, and releasing them without pain or guilt when that is time too.

soulmateSuccessful soul mate relationships

Successful soul mate relationships have several key elements that make them work…

1.    Understand that the other person is there to show you something in YOU.
Carl Jung created the concept of “perception is projection” which means that anything you perceive in another person, you can only recognise it because it’s in you, but unexpressed.

Recognise that all their behaviour and characteristics right through from their little foibles to the major character traits are all YOU. The reason this person is in your life is just so that you can become conscious of them, and learn to love this part of you that you may dislike in others.

2.    Stay conscious and see through the illusion.
Really successful soul mate relationships always involve staying conscious and aware of what is happening. This means realising that life is a drama and, like watching a movie, you can become completely enthralled by the drama. The trick is to keep this in awareness both after the huge row AND during it.

You can set this up as a game you play when you are in harmony with each other. Decide on a code word or a wink to remind both of you that this is a movie and that you’re both being sucked into the drama. Then when you are in the heat of an argument one or other of you will trigger the code word or wink at the other to remind you both that this is a game or dance you’re dancing.

3.    Own everything – never blame the other person.
No-one can make you feel anything. You are always at choice with your emotions and reactions to things. Realising that you have a choice to be upset or not makes for a much healthier relationship.

4.    Realise the true cause of emotions.
Emotions are caused by the tension between what you want inside and what you see outside. So when you hold an expectation of behaviour inside and then don’t’ get it (or get something else) this can cause a painful emotion. Rather than try to change the behaviour in others, change or lose your expectations.

5.    Don’t make one thing mean another.
Often we feel a painful emotion, not because of what someone did or didn’t do, but because of the meaning we put on that. Say they forgot your birthday, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. NO it means they forgot your birthday. Ask yourself and them, what was going on for them at the time that had them forget. And if it’s important next time remind them!

6.    Learn and use the 5 most powerful words in the English language.
“I’m not OK with that”

This simple phrase allows you to let them know that you’re not OK with some behaviour or other, without putting any blame or emotion into the statement. The power of this statement is that YOU are owning what you are OK with rather than applying any judgement about the other. It also keeps the discussion at the level of behaviour, rather than attacking them personally.

You are simply stating what you are or are not OK with. when using this the trick is to not engage with any “whys” or “why nots” just stick to “I’m not OK with it”.

7.    Accept them as they are, don’t try to change them.
The sign of a very highly evolved soul mate relationship is that they each accept each other just as they are. There is simply no need for either person to even question who, how or what the other person is or does. they simply accept it and love them. Period.


  1. Renetta

    VERY well put!! Thank you, it confirms what I’ve learned thru experience. What’s become interesting is, as I’ve grown/become more open, either I’m sensing the connections more clearly or I’ve opened up to allow more connections at an accelerated rate. Either way, it’s all good!

  2. Pamela Jones

    Well, if you do not marry your so called soul-mate or twin flame how can you find out what your true purpose in life is?

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